Are you a victim for being vulnerable? or being ambiguous?

“Judgments and more judgments for being vulnerable and ambiguous”

Have you been called vulnerable because you are soft? or called ambiguous because you couldn’t choose? And have faced judgments, called names, labels and disassociated with?

Vulnerable is not being a “VICTIM”:

Vulnerable is when someone is totally bare, sometimes to their bones. Having the innate ability to feel everything very deeply. Even the good, the bad and the ugly. Vulnerable is not weak or meek as we like to make it, call it, define it and most of all judge it. Vulnerable is not gullible. Instead, vulnerability is a strength that most people do not have. Stripping themselves off facets and faces and stand there saying, hey, here I am. Or hey, I don’t think I know much about this. Or say, I need help. It is rather so special in so many ways in its honesty and truth. To be vulnerable is the ability to be themselves completely.  And then we have people who judge them. Why? Because vulnerable is taken as weakness and not a strength even by the definition of it. Our beliefs about it are so nascent and deep-rooted due to the limitations of definitions and often into childhood memories of soft targets and easy preys. We grow up thinking or believing that anyone who is not aggressive is vulnerable and so we judge them.

Judgments for being “AMBIGUOUS”:

Someone who is at polarities, and has no definite hard stand on issues. Are all labeled and slotted and judged as ambiguous. Just because someone can say, I think both sides of the fence. Or I am not choosing to push something aggressively does not make them unsure or inauthentic. Probably they are the ones who are more sure about it all because they can see both sides of the polarities. They can sense and understand something far more than the ones taking stands or sides. At most times people push aggressively without even knowing the whole truth. Ambiguous is not wrong, why do we then judge it? And most of all, who are we to judge? If someone is delivering what they are meant to, why do we then judge them? And, if they are not delivering what you want, then why do you still judge their ways of being themselves? just because it does not match the way you operate or do things? It is just that you are both different. Because they are vulnerable or ambiguous does not mean you are right or better than them. It only means you are both different and that you are the one being judgmental.

A vulnerability is an “ABILITY”:

This vulnerability is the greatest inner strength. In being balanced and in knowing yourself. So much that you are willing to show your true colors to anyone who is willing to see them. As you are, in your skin. Not in a put on makeup or mask. It is not about being meek and weak. But about what you are capable of perceiving and knowing. And having the ability to act upon the energy of it. Fully knowing that you have made those choices. It is about being ok to say, hey, “I don’t know” in a world full of people who are unwilling to admit that side of themselves. People are wanting to always prove themselves better and right. Because no one wants to look or feel foolish or stupid in front of others. And so all of this is again, attached with so many many judgments. In the midst of all the false and lies comes your authenticity and the ability to be vulnerable, which not only do most people not recognize but also make lots and lots of judgments based on it. It is about them not having any superiority about yourself but a vulnerability that makes you learn more and grow each time you say, hey, I don’t know it or I am not sure. It is about sometimes appearing to not listen, while in your own vulnerability you are probably the most receptive?

Ambiguity is the ability to “SEE BOTH SIDES OF THE FENCE”:

Why does someone always have to choose from within the polarities, like an either-or? We can choose both or more or to have it all. Ambiguity need not mean indecisive, it is you who is able to see things beyond limitations. It is about being able to look at more possibilities. You could be multitasking, and don’t let someone judge you for it. To have multi-facets and then again not be able to choose any one thing. Like “jack of all trades and master of one or none”. None of them is right or wrong. Someone can have an ability to be it all, someone none at all. You can be slow. You can be soft and gentle. These are judgments others are making of your attributes, based on who they are and their beliefs are. And then they also like to label and tag you based on the dictionary and the meanings of the words themselves. But hey, every word in the dictionary also has a lot many possibilities not limited to any one definition. And no meaning could ever describe a person to be exactly as it is written to be. Because we are humans and we change and we evolve with every single breath we take. 

BE true to YOURSELF:

There are layers upon layers of your own self. We all have so many possibilities to be so much more within the one person we are. And within all of that when you are “vulnerable” and “ambiguous”, you are actually very POWERFUL.

It is the power which comes from being authentic and true to who you are. The power which is derived from an inner knowing of your own self, unlike most others. The power from being able to see both sides of the coin. The power which comes from being calm and composed and balanced. The power that is a greater strength in being able to feel everything. The power from being bare and unashamed. The power of gratitude for being who you are.

And most of all, the power from being “PRESENT”.

 

#WHYIDIDNTREPORT #NOMORE

A MOVEMENT and A TRUTH to be uncovered…and what are YOU doing about it?

What makes one not report an aggressive, oppressive, gruesome, humiliating act of sexual advancement or harassment?

Whether from homes or workplaces or neighborhood or even educational and social institutions?

What could be the reason that someone who has gone through trauma and perhaps, a life-threatening, life-changing…or even life-taking experience, compels one to not report or even talk about it?

JUDGMENTS

LACK OF SUPPORT
SHAMING
RIDICULE
EMBARRASSMENT

and even more,

HARASSMENT…etc.

All of this, at most times from their very own,

FAMILY, FRIENDS, PEERS, NEIGHBOURS, SOCIETY…etc.

It begins with the questions,

SHE? HER?? REALLY???

ARE YOU SURE?

HOW? WHEN?? WHERE???

(do you get it ?)

Please tell me you do understand #GOSSIP #INSTANEWS

SO,

Why after so many days or months or years did she speak up now?

What was she doing back then?

Why didn’t she confide in someone?

Why didn’t she save herself? Is she really so weak or meek?

Was she the perpetrator?

AND,

SHE IS LYING.

SHE IS FRAMING.

SHE IS SEEKING ATTENTION.
SHE IS DOING THIS FOR PUBLICITY.

SHE IS A *******.

(judgments, judgments, and more judgments)

We refuse to #BELIEVEWOMEN #BELIEVESURVIVORS

BECAUSE

At most times we are looking at them through our own filters and lens.

We look at it from “what would I have done?”

NOT

“What did she go through and what did she do?”

These are autopilot responses from most people in general.

Before some of them, really wear their #EMPATHY hats on and then re-visit from that victim’s point of view.

THEN

There is the #VICTIM and her own #POINTOFVIEW and then there is us and our own  #VANTAGEPOINT that we see it all from.

MAYBE,

just perhaps,

MAYBE,

She was so traumatized that she could not confess or even make an attempt to speak.

She was so full of anger, rage, a fury that she could not think or rationalize or assess.

She was so ashamed, embarrassed, uncomfortable that she was hiding.

OR,

perhaps,

She did confess but had no support.

She did speak up and against but she was made to shut up.

She was threatened or blackmailed and forced into silence.

She was fighting against the odds like an authority, power, celebrity.

So what makes someone make such an insensitive remark as,

why now? Why wake up now? Why hog the limelight? Why the 15 mins of fame through negative media and press?

WE ARE BECOMING

THE CASTIGATING, THE CONDEMNING, THE MUTILATING

population having our own private JUDGEMENT DAYS.

NO.

STOP.

PLEASE stop judging and objectifying someone who is calling out trauma and harassment, at any time or day or hour of her life, no matter who she is.

Whether you support or not, the least you can do is to not

JUDGE OR CRITICISE OR CONDEMN.

It takes a lot and a lot of courage to speak out, to be seen, to be heard and especially,

to be willing to be #PUBLIC about something that is so #PRIVATE.

So when you have a #MOVEMENT

why not participate in it?

why not support?

Why not be that tiny voice who finally might be heard?

Or be that person who is without judgments?

It may not be about justice for them at most times, or about seeking revenge, it may just be about being able to speak up and be heard.

About putting an end to this, about saving another life from being victimized in the future.

Each one of us has a different perception of what harassment means to us, no matter how many laws or rules or guidelines are laid out, it is ambiguous in its very nature and each one’s resilience towards hurt or pain or any such extreme’s vary in different degrees.

SO,

What makes us then be so judgmental?

We are not talking within the boundaries of what law can do, we are only loosely wagging our tongues within the available #SOCIAL boundaries and #MEDIA

We have to really take a look at ourselves here, and question:

where have we come from and where are we going?

WE HAVE COME A LONG WAY FROM:

WHEN generations of women themselves( mothers, aunts, sisters….etc) back then hushed you up against the remarks or comments or even inappropriate gestures by men, uncles, cousins or any other known or important male figures, you would know what #WOMENSREALITY meant BECAUSE you were asked to keep it down, be submissive and shut up for the sake of reputation or family or the relationship/marriage whatever that it was.

OR

WHEN growing up have heard booty calls and lewd remarks and been groped and touched in public places (as much as it is rampant even today)

in those times when it was “normal” for boys to hang out in groups and demean and insult and comment on women as some kind of a “man-thing” or even being forceful and imposing themselves upon them as if that was one of the easiest ways to prove their machoism.

BECAUSE

Women were meant to be seen ( and in most cases, not even that) and not heard.

For so many years and generations, women were behind veils, and now suddenly they are out there, in the face of it all. They are equally there in every field, every place, in every conceivable reality.

And so, it is for us as a society to come to terms with this shift and change.

WE ARE NOT GOING BACK,

WE HAVE TO MOVE FORWARD.

Towards

NON-JUDGMENT

HUMANITY

CONTRIBUTION

BENEVOLENCE

COMPASSION

KINDNESS

This is not about women supporting women

OR

even men supporting men.

YES,

We have hashtags now to represent all of these, but, it is about standing up against wrongdoing. Thanks to social media we all have become participants and have the #POWER and #ABILITY with our words to make a change and participate in creating a future world for us and our generations to come, which is not defined by demeaning anyone, irrespective of their #GENDER.

THIS IS ABOUT #RESPECT AND #HONOUR for each one and each life as human beings.

And we can do this by just being #HUMANE

#METOO #TIMESUP #HEFORSHE #NOMORE

SPORTS and the GENDER BIAS

Sports and growing up in a gender bias.

I want to write this blog about how we still live in a system filled with gender bias, especially in the field of sports.

An avid sports player and cricket lover since a child… I was always the only girl to play amongst the boys, be it cricket all through the year, or sprinting…or football during the rains.

From my point of view, I have had no qualms being the only girl doing anything at all or being in a room full of only men.

When I played snooker I was back then the only girl in the room full of boys too, until some other girls joined in off and on.

And I didn’t see anything there except people playing and enjoying a sport. As long as I played well and fair and better than most boys. I really didn’t care.

What I couldn’t see was the gender bias, the difference, the system, the thought process of the people.

Not just the men or boys playing with me, but that of the parents, that of elders, that of well-wishers… all who wanted to say… “an only girl playing with so many boys?”

It didn’t matter if I was just an 8 year old or 10 or perhaps later at 16 and 20 or even 40.

Somehow age didn’t play as much as an important role as much as me just being a girl by birth did.

It is almost an outcast in our system of sports playing boys and men too.

And so yes, I was expected to cook and clean and know the nuances of running a family and house. or maybe even get a job and earn a living.

While if I played it was because I was “allowed to” maybe spend an hour of my day playing like children are supposed to.

What about my passion? For sports? Or the games?

Or that I may have wanted to pursue something as a career ever, or lift the flag as my COUNTRY’S player?

That was never a thought in anybody’s world or universe except mine.

While I built my castles, I played my shots in my head more than on the field…. life kept passing by with me watching others, perform, excel, scale heights and I was always wishing I was one of them too.

Then I got married, and I realized passions don’t die.

Only life changes. Like a status changed overnight from single to married.

I became even more of a background spectator than a player.

Even though everyone knows how passionate I am or was for sports… it didn’t matter.

It was my choice to pick home over a bat or children over a cue.

I didn’t play cricket like some of the boys every Sunday even though they were married, but I still loved playing it.

And would still love to play on every given occasion. Until I realized one fine day that the gender biases didn’t ever die down. They stay.

So when the boys get together to play and I get a chance… I realize I don’t actually get to play on so many occasions….only do the girl thing… stand, watch, cheer or at the most field, (like it wasn’t that enough to participate and make one feel like you were included by the boys)

I am usually appalled that the boys do that, but then how do I forget they grew up like that…we don’t teach our boys to include girls…also sometimes it is just the matter of boys wanting to play with boys and doing their boy thing…yet the two are starkly different…however the underline for it should be addressed…why this “need” to exclude?

I may not like chatting over or talking or whatever else a lot of girls enjoying doing. And it may be fun for them but it is not for me, and so none of it is wrong or worthy of judgment from anyone. It is a case of “to each one’s own”

I love playing, being on the field. Enjoying a sport, competing.

There are hundreds and thousands of girls who would have had intense passion and determination to pursue a sporting dream and yet no resource nor any backing.

Can we not stand up for them? Can we not change our mindset and include not exclude girls at the most basic and primary levels of our own backyard games???

Don’t they all begin there ???

Can we not have an infrastructure to tap potential and educate and change our selves and society, so we can produce more and more of HIMA’S, SAINA’S, MARY’S ( just to name few on the fingertips)

And so many more ( who are beyond a count) who have achieved so much, and yet not without going through so much resistance and struggle?? or those still struggling and grappling between home and their passions and talents.

What if we can make it easy for them?

How much more and how many more such legends can we create and contribute to….and make our country proud therein.

We as a generation today can create this change looking forward, and it is not only to be in the educated, middle/affluent socio-economic sectors, where they can also afford to build up their child’s dreams and make them pursue it….but in our ground level and roots, in our villages, where we can change their mindsets first, where they can have people as coaches and families and most of all PARENTS, who encourage and empower girls and women to choose and dream beyond their limitations.

Let us stand up for daughter’s, girls, wives, mothers…. to be given equal rights and opportunities to have fun and play too.

Let us not have to tell another talented girl, how unfortunate it is that she was were born a girl in our country and society.

-Sonalli Guptaa

(I am an avid sports enthusiast and supporter of empowerment through sports.

I play sport, I watch sports, I encourage sports and I also own and mentor a team for women players participating in various leagues.)