Are you a victim for being vulnerable? or being ambiguous?

“Judgments and more judgments for being vulnerable and ambiguous”

Have you been called vulnerable because you are soft? or called ambiguous because you couldn’t choose? And have faced judgments, called names, labels and disassociated with?

Vulnerable is not being a “VICTIM”:

Vulnerable is when someone is totally bare, sometimes to their bones. Having the innate ability to feel everything very deeply. Even the good, the bad and the ugly. Vulnerable is not weak or meek as we like to make it, call it, define it and most of all judge it. Vulnerable is not gullible. Instead, vulnerability is a strength that most people do not have. Stripping themselves off facets and faces and stand there saying, hey, here I am. Or hey, I don’t think I know much about this. Or say, I need help. It is rather so special in so many ways in its honesty and truth. To be vulnerable is the ability to be themselves completely.  And then we have people who judge them. Why? Because vulnerable is taken as weakness and not a strength even by the definition of it. Our beliefs about it are so nascent and deep-rooted due to the limitations of definitions and often into childhood memories of soft targets and easy preys. We grow up thinking or believing that anyone who is not aggressive is vulnerable and so we judge them.

Judgments for being “AMBIGUOUS”:

Someone who is at polarities, and has no definite hard stand on issues. Are all labeled and slotted and judged as ambiguous. Just because someone can say, I think both sides of the fence. Or I am not choosing to push something aggressively does not make them unsure or inauthentic. Probably they are the ones who are more sure about it all because they can see both sides of the polarities. They can sense and understand something far more than the ones taking stands or sides. At most times people push aggressively without even knowing the whole truth. Ambiguous is not wrong, why do we then judge it? And most of all, who are we to judge? If someone is delivering what they are meant to, why do we then judge them? And, if they are not delivering what you want, then why do you still judge their ways of being themselves? just because it does not match the way you operate or do things? It is just that you are both different. Because they are vulnerable or ambiguous does not mean you are right or better than them. It only means you are both different and that you are the one being judgmental.

A vulnerability is an “ABILITY”:

This vulnerability is the greatest inner strength. In being balanced and in knowing yourself. So much that you are willing to show your true colors to anyone who is willing to see them. As you are, in your skin. Not in a put on makeup or mask. It is not about being meek and weak. But about what you are capable of perceiving and knowing. And having the ability to act upon the energy of it. Fully knowing that you have made those choices. It is about being ok to say, hey, “I don’t know” in a world full of people who are unwilling to admit that side of themselves. People are wanting to always prove themselves better and right. Because no one wants to look or feel foolish or stupid in front of others. And so all of this is again, attached with so many many judgments. In the midst of all the false and lies comes your authenticity and the ability to be vulnerable, which not only do most people not recognize but also make lots and lots of judgments based on it. It is about them not having any superiority about yourself but a vulnerability that makes you learn more and grow each time you say, hey, I don’t know it or I am not sure. It is about sometimes appearing to not listen, while in your own vulnerability you are probably the most receptive?

Ambiguity is the ability to “SEE BOTH SIDES OF THE FENCE”:

Why does someone always have to choose from within the polarities, like an either-or? We can choose both or more or to have it all. Ambiguity need not mean indecisive, it is you who is able to see things beyond limitations. It is about being able to look at more possibilities. You could be multitasking, and don’t let someone judge you for it. To have multi-facets and then again not be able to choose any one thing. Like “jack of all trades and master of one or none”. None of them is right or wrong. Someone can have an ability to be it all, someone none at all. You can be slow. You can be soft and gentle. These are judgments others are making of your attributes, based on who they are and their beliefs are. And then they also like to label and tag you based on the dictionary and the meanings of the words themselves. But hey, every word in the dictionary also has a lot many possibilities not limited to any one definition. And no meaning could ever describe a person to be exactly as it is written to be. Because we are humans and we change and we evolve with every single breath we take. 

BE true to YOURSELF:

There are layers upon layers of your own self. We all have so many possibilities to be so much more within the one person we are. And within all of that when you are “vulnerable” and “ambiguous”, you are actually very POWERFUL.

It is the power which comes from being authentic and true to who you are. The power which is derived from an inner knowing of your own self, unlike most others. The power from being able to see both sides of the coin. The power which comes from being calm and composed and balanced. The power that is a greater strength in being able to feel everything. The power from being bare and unashamed. The power of gratitude for being who you are.

And most of all, the power from being “PRESENT”.

 

SPORTS and the GENDER BIAS

Sports and growing up in a gender bias.

I want to write this blog about how we still live in a system filled with gender bias, especially in the field of sports.

An avid sports player and cricket lover since a child… I was always the only girl to play amongst the boys, be it cricket all through the year, or sprinting…or football during the rains.

From my point of view, I have had no qualms being the only girl doing anything at all or being in a room full of only men.

When I played snooker I was back then the only girl in the room full of boys too, until some other girls joined in off and on.

And I didn’t see anything there except people playing and enjoying a sport. As long as I played well and fair and better than most boys. I really didn’t care.

What I couldn’t see was the gender bias, the difference, the system, the thought process of the people.

Not just the men or boys playing with me, but that of the parents, that of elders, that of well-wishers… all who wanted to say… “an only girl playing with so many boys?”

It didn’t matter if I was just an 8 year old or 10 or perhaps later at 16 and 20 or even 40.

Somehow age didn’t play as much as an important role as much as me just being a girl by birth did.

It is almost an outcast in our system of sports playing boys and men too.

And so yes, I was expected to cook and clean and know the nuances of running a family and house. or maybe even get a job and earn a living.

While if I played it was because I was “allowed to” maybe spend an hour of my day playing like children are supposed to.

What about my passion? For sports? Or the games?

Or that I may have wanted to pursue something as a career ever, or lift the flag as my COUNTRY’S player?

That was never a thought in anybody’s world or universe except mine.

While I built my castles, I played my shots in my head more than on the field…. life kept passing by with me watching others, perform, excel, scale heights and I was always wishing I was one of them too.

Then I got married, and I realized passions don’t die.

Only life changes. Like a status changed overnight from single to married.

I became even more of a background spectator than a player.

Even though everyone knows how passionate I am or was for sports… it didn’t matter.

It was my choice to pick home over a bat or children over a cue.

I didn’t play cricket like some of the boys every Sunday even though they were married, but I still loved playing it.

And would still love to play on every given occasion. Until I realized one fine day that the gender biases didn’t ever die down. They stay.

So when the boys get together to play and I get a chance… I realize I don’t actually get to play on so many occasions….only do the girl thing… stand, watch, cheer or at the most field, (like it wasn’t that enough to participate and make one feel like you were included by the boys)

I am usually appalled that the boys do that, but then how do I forget they grew up like that…we don’t teach our boys to include girls…also sometimes it is just the matter of boys wanting to play with boys and doing their boy thing…yet the two are starkly different…however the underline for it should be addressed…why this “need” to exclude?

I may not like chatting over or talking or whatever else a lot of girls enjoying doing. And it may be fun for them but it is not for me, and so none of it is wrong or worthy of judgment from anyone. It is a case of “to each one’s own”

I love playing, being on the field. Enjoying a sport, competing.

There are hundreds and thousands of girls who would have had intense passion and determination to pursue a sporting dream and yet no resource nor any backing.

Can we not stand up for them? Can we not change our mindset and include not exclude girls at the most basic and primary levels of our own backyard games???

Don’t they all begin there ???

Can we not have an infrastructure to tap potential and educate and change our selves and society, so we can produce more and more of HIMA’S, SAINA’S, MARY’S ( just to name few on the fingertips)

And so many more ( who are beyond a count) who have achieved so much, and yet not without going through so much resistance and struggle?? or those still struggling and grappling between home and their passions and talents.

What if we can make it easy for them?

How much more and how many more such legends can we create and contribute to….and make our country proud therein.

We as a generation today can create this change looking forward, and it is not only to be in the educated, middle/affluent socio-economic sectors, where they can also afford to build up their child’s dreams and make them pursue it….but in our ground level and roots, in our villages, where we can change their mindsets first, where they can have people as coaches and families and most of all PARENTS, who encourage and empower girls and women to choose and dream beyond their limitations.

Let us stand up for daughter’s, girls, wives, mothers…. to be given equal rights and opportunities to have fun and play too.

Let us not have to tell another talented girl, how unfortunate it is that she was were born a girl in our country and society.

-Sonalli Guptaa

(I am an avid sports enthusiast and supporter of empowerment through sports.

I play sport, I watch sports, I encourage sports and I also own and mentor a team for women players participating in various leagues.)

CLAIM…not SHAME your body.

Are you BODY SHAMING your own self ??

OK, so, What does body shaming mean to you???

All of those really nasty thoughts and feelings that are running through your head and body right now…while you can imagine all of those moments and almost re-live them, of others shaming you….STOP!

Yes…STOP!…now, sit back and step out of it, pick up the coffee and get going.

RIGHT?

Maybe…Maybe NOT.

NOT…because all of those judgments, critical words, hate, belittling, disrespecting that you heard from someone else…has now made a nest in your own head.

And guess what? we will feed it too….HOW? by first believing it all…making ourselves small….and judging our own selves, based on the judgments of others.

We will actually make it so real and true, all of those things we hear…that we see no wrong in it, we welcome it, under the guise of healthy commenting or constructive criticism.

In my point of view, there is a huge difference between the two, judgments and healthy anything-that-we-call it.

Because one makes us go deeper into our own shell, and the other motivates us.

But when we come to our own shammers, we fail to recognize the thin line between the two.

The nose, the lip, the boob, the ass…or any other body part for that matter, is never good enough for us compared to others.

We dislike and abuse our own selves based on what others think is their idea of “beauty”, a certain Mr. Smith will always have more than you, or Mrs. Patel will always be more pretty and also more popular.

We, as children have grown up defining our own beauty mostly based on what was in the glossies or beauty trends and celebrity icons. However even more influential are our family and friends and personal relationships and their opinions and points of views on beauty and on us.

Money or a persons position in society has also been a huge indicator of their beauty, someone who is extremely rich, or in a power position, somehow always looks more suave or handsome than the regular jones, or more pretty and sexy…and always dresses better.

We define our own beauty based on all of these things and people outside of us, with unending comparisons and our own complex ’s.

We continuously shame our own bodies within by our own constant judgments of it, which by far is the greatest of all SELF-ABUSES.

And, then, we continue to do so with constant diets and health fads, and crazy addictions.

As early as we begin to know our bodies as kids, in our teens, young adulthood and also long after we have reached an age where we are beginning to set examples to a whole new generation to follow into our future, we are still on a perennial loop or maybe a rollercoaster, which we are enjoying so much that we don’t want to get off it.

So, When does this SELF-ABUSE stop? when does the constant JUDGEMENT and CRITICISM end???

When does the friendly advice, “I am pointing out your flaws so you can correct them”, stop killing you inside and shredding your confidence apart, because you didn’t recognize it as a judgment in the very first place????

When a sentence like this sounds like there is something to it, there IS something to it, because it is not coming from a space of allowing you to be who you are.

When someone can see your flaws before they see the beauty in you, you are putting your self up for this kind of abuse.

When you are constantly seeking approval from everyone else other than that person in the mirror, you are putting yourself up for abuse, because no matter what they say, your judgment of you, based on their approval will still be an abuse to yourself.

ONLY and ONLY when we love and respect our own bodies as it is, in whatever shape or size or height or length….can we get stop self-abusing and self-destructing and self-loathing.

Yes, do all that it takes for it to be healthy, that which is again defined by your own body’s wants and desires and requirement not that sold to you by health cares and concerns of family and/or friends or your favorite pop star.

1. EXERCISE, but choose what and how your own body likes to move and do. Not based on which one makes you thin or lose weight. Or, the one which your best friend joined, or the dude who got his 6 pack abs at, and so you will join the same gym and the same trainer and pay out of your pocket to achieve it. What if your body likes to sway and move, or walk? or swim? or just run with the winds???? How about choosing an exercise for strength and flexibility and health instead of thin and slim and perfect?
2. DIET,  but again not the fads. Yes, do want to lose and knock off some extra pounds, if it is hampering your lifestyle or your body. but consult a nutritionist or a dietician or a check with the doctor who will help you to achieve it in a healthy way. Do not go beyond that what is natural for your own body. seek expert help if it required, not word of mouth or so-called “tried and tested” remedies. each one of us has a unique and different body.

3. RESPECT, yourself and your body for all the times it shows signs of requiring rest or slowing down and even some pampering. Indulge in it. There are so many inexpensive ways of treating yourself to some indulgent TLC. Do it. Find it. And enjoy it.

4. LAUGH, a lot, like really a lot. Be happy. Don’t give in to people who judge you for your laughter or the ability to be happy. Not everyone can do it. It’s a blessing, and don’t let anyone else make it feel anything other than what it is… a blessing!

5. GRATITUDE, just simply a Thank you. To everyone and everything in this universe. And most of all to your own self. To the body that keeps you going, to the body which when no longer ceases to exist will also take away your own existence as a human being on this planet and in this time and reality. So, be grateful…to everything and everyone that is connected to this life and body. be grateful.

Only and only you know your own body, and only and only your own body knows you. Talk to it, listen to it, agree to it…be loving, caring and kind…keep away from all that is critical and hurtful and disrespecting.

Build this relationship…step by step, day by day, moment by moment, and give it those much-deserved hashtags that you so readily use for everyone else #BFF #BAE

IT IS YOUR BODY.. to CLAIM not SHAME.